Morning Sock Challenge

C'mon now, tell me. Are matching socks really that much of a big deal?

Every time I get caught out wearing socks that aren't the same colour, people make out as if it's somehow a big deal. Let me enlighten you, people of the realm; It really isn't.

They're a garment designed explicitly for the purpose of insulating and protecting your feet from the inside of your shoes. Why on earth do they need to look the same? Why the hell are you looking at my damn feet, anyway?!

Colour is definitely a deciding factor when selecting my morning socks, I will not deny. However, more important concerns needed to be evaluated first.

One thing needs to be clarified straight out of the gate; An actual pair of socks, unless you are busting them straight out of a new packet, are a pipe dream. They exist only in Narnia, where goats talk and fish fart candies. For the rest of us on Planet Earth, we need to accept this important fact before we dive headlong into the sock basket, lest we go insane.

1. Same thickness: This is the single most important attribute when selecting a sock. You might think you can get away with socks of varying stock but be warned. You will feel lopsided all day, and will be compelled to adjust your shoelaces on multiple occasions throughout the course of your errands. Selecting different grades of sock should only ever occur in the most extreme of circumstances.
2. Same length: After thickness, the length of the sock should be the next measurement taken into consideration. Anything within a 5 centimetre range is generally acceptable; Exceeding this guideline should be done only when absolutely necessary. In this event, roll the excess back down on itself, to create the illusion that the socks are paired. You will need to deal with the slight but present sensation of one your ankles being slightly warmer (or colder, depending on weather) than the other. 
3. Same colour: After both the thickness and length criteria are addressed, and only then, should you attempt to match the colour of your paediatric hosiery. The dye in the fabric serves no tangible benefit to the sock wearer, and will only affect judgemental observers.

If you are able to satisfy all criteria of the Morning Sock Challenge, I salute you. Nay, Bruce Willis salutes you.