Guest Post: The Ballad of Steven Seagal

Foreword: I'm experimenting with a format change. I've decided that a benefit to both you, internet, myself,  and others might be to introduce you to other bloggers that are doing good work. Internet, meet kungfucolin. Kungfucolin, meet Internet. Cloak and redirect in its finest form.

The Ballad of Steven Seagal

Now Steven Seagal was a Hollywood man

He learned all that martial arts stuff in Japan

He married a sweet little Japanese girl,

And promised her father he'd show her the world

A chunky white man is all it would take

He'd just stomp his feet and the dojo would shake

The brave little Japanese Aikido men

Gave him a belt, and said: "Farewell, our friend."

So back to America Seagal did swim

The Pacific ocean posed no challenge for him

And thus did he convince the Hollywood suits;

To cast him in lead was a worthy pursuit.

But on the movie set, on that one fated day,

Into the wrong fight he needlessly strayed

Made some bold claims to Judo Gene Lebell,

A fearsome old wrestler, he'd give Steven Hell.

"You'll never choke me!" The bold Steven cried.

"We'll see about that one." The old man replied

And ne'er did he flinch, the old Judo Gene

He just grabbed Steve in headlock, locked it in tight and clean.

Steve clenched up his fist, and aimed straight for the balls,

Though he might as well have just bashed his head on the walls.

Lebell is cast iron, from head down to toe

..And Steven's weak knees were beginning to go.

Ahhgsghghwei! agghhwaghwgahh! was the sound?

As Steven turned red, and collapsed to the ground.

Then an ungodly stench, as he let his bowels go;

A brown stain in his pants was beginning to show.

They carried him away, to best hide his shame,

He could never show his face to Judo Gene again,

So he packed up his bags, and he jumped on a plane

And spent the flight planning his next claim to fame.

Despite not knowing shite about how to compete,

He gets a phone call from the martial elite.

Anderson Silva asked him to come down

To the land of Brazil in his quaint little town

Anderson then asks him: "What can you teach?"

"You were a badass in that film Under Siege!"

Steven then shows him the way of the bluff

Anderson thinks that it might be enough.

So first round with Vitor, and a boot to the chin

Was plenty enough to do in for him,

Seagal saw his chance, pulled a trick from his hat

And says of the kick, "Hey, I taught him that!"

It gets worse my friends, it gets worse by far.

He thought he would try his hand at Guitar.

Steve wanted to sing, and he did, all the same

Unfortunately his music is completely lame.

So back to the bluffing, and back to the lies

His mountain of bollocks piles up to the skies

You can't argue with him, he'll just create a strawman.

Some fool gave him a badge, and a gun. Made him: "Lawman".

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