Internet Charlatans Volume II: The Diet Pill

Adoring public, we meet again.

It has been over a year since I last put pen to paper. Or, fingers to... keyboard, as it were. For this, I apologise. I certainly intended to revive the blog much sooner than now, however I just couldn't quite jump back in. I'm not entirely sure why, but for some reason I feel like it had something to do with cheese.

At any rate, I just couldn't stay away any longer. I missed youse guys, and so much has happened. There will be plenty of time for that, though. Right now, I simply must tell you about this product that my sister-in-law put me on to! Serious, this stuff will change your life!

Overdue spending spree

Very rarely do I spend money on clothing. I'll pick up a new t-shirt when my favourite one becomes unwearable, and I'll generally wear my shoes into the ground before I even considering getting a new pair.

This weekend was different.

When Troll Chick and I first put our budget together some months ago, we put down a couple of milestones that we were to achieve, in order:

• Move in together
• Spend a grand on clothing each (as the weight we lost respectively was starting to make our old clothes look like base-jump gear)
• Save until the wedding

Through vicious budgeting, and Subway lunches for months, we managed to reach our first goal. My only regret is that we didn't get to eat more Subway, although I reckon if Troll Chick so much as even sees another footlong sandwich she'll lose her breakfast. I don't know what it is, I love them delicious bastards.

Return from exile

Oh lord, I missed you, internet. I missed you so much. No doubt you've missed me, too.

I'm sure that you were all in a huff, not knowing what to do with yourself.

"Cloaker Josh hasn't updated his blog in, like, an aeon! What am I going to do?!"

Well, I'm sorry.

It wasn't really my fault, however.

In these past couple of weeks, I've been on a series of trials and tribulations that tested every fibre of my being. Or at least, it made me do things I'm not generally accustomed to doing. Like, physical stuff... and manly stuff.

I HAVE INTERNET

Soon, my child. I shall return.

Hiatus

Hello internet...

Yes, I know... I know. It's been so long. I really am sorry, I didn't mean to leave you out in the cold... unless of course, you're a penguin, in which case that was exactly my intent. That's just the best way to love a penguin I know, you adorable little tux-sporting rascals.

I'm assuming I'm the first ever person to Photoshop a
penguin with a tuxedo. God I'm good!

Well, I didn't come here to talk about penguins all night. I've actually got some news. Good news. Well, it's kind of both good and bad for various reasons. How about I just let the news speak for itself, shall I?

Social Media Trolling

As I've previously said, I really love trolling. Especially grammar trolling. It's especially fun to express in the form of a Photoshop, I've always found, so I thought I might post a couple of my recent efforts.

Some of these I understand I'm kind of reaching for the humour, but truly I don't care. I honestly will use any excuse to fire up Photoshop, and these following trolls are simply a by-product of that desire.

In any case, I hope you like them.

Bedroom Battleships

So, you know I hate cleaning, internet? Well, I'm looking to move house soon, so evidently I'm going to need to clean my bedroom in the process of packing.

Wait, what? Clean my bedroom...?! That's, like, a two day job! How on earth am I going to find time to do this?!

Most people are faced with shock and disbelief after seeing the state of my bedroom, and I really can't blame them. It's a little bit messy.

Food order panic

For some reason that I can't quite explain, I sometimes have trouble with basic decision making. I'm quite good with it usually, however on strange occasions I seem to freeze up and blurt out the wrong answer.

Know Your Meme.

The time it most frequently plagues me is ordering food at fast food establishments. I'll be waiting in line, looking at the menu and will be tossing up between two choices.

Lazy is as lazy does

People often accuse me of being lazy, however I have an alternative theory; I'm simply economical with movement.

I'm pretty comfy right here, actually.

Another way to look at it is that I may be physically lazy, however I'm no slouch on the mental side of things. I will actively think about things that will may my day-to-day easier, both inside of work and out. "Driving efficiencies" is what they call it; "Not wasting time" is what I call it.

I am constantly on the automation offensive, asking myself every single day: "Is there a quicker way to do this exact task? Can I cut down any of this manual work?"

Morning Sock Challenge

C'mon now, tell me. Are matching socks really that much of a big deal?

Every time I get caught out wearing socks that aren't the same colour, people make out as if it's somehow a big deal. Let me enlighten you, people of the realm; It really isn't.

They're a garment designed explicitly for the purpose of insulating and protecting your feet from the inside of your shoes. Why on earth do they need to look the same? Why the hell are you looking at my damn feet, anyway?!

How much did you say?!

Sadly, my holiday time has come to an end and I'm back in Sydney, ready to go back to work.

This last week's adventures consisted of meeting future in-laws, catching up with old mates and investigating wedding venues; I'm pretty tuckered out.

I always hear about these obscene financials being bantered about attached to weddings; I've always thought to myself that if I ever got married, I'd be a great deal more responsible with the expense. I've quickly come to the realisation that getting married is pretty much going to be expensive in 95% of cases.

Winter is coming

Tomorrow, I will commence an epic journey into the heart of winter and will not return for a week. Travelling with WinterfellAir, and will fly non-stop into Winterfell.

Apologies for the lack of updates over the next week; I will be bringing my iPad so I may be able to do some on-the-road, however I have a pretty full schedule so we'll see.

Wish me luck!

iGeneration

I'm afraid for the next generation.

I know I'm not the first one to say this and I'm sure I won't be the last, but... kids these days. This will obviously sound quite funny coming from somebody as young as myself, as if I could have a concept of what our generational pitfalls are. Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about, and am just spewing some completely uninformed bullcrap... I'll let you be the judge of that.

Cloaker's Dogma: Conclusion

I'm a very lucky guy, I really am.

I'm not going to lie to you, internet. My post last night about Dragon's Dogma was an entirely selfish one; One that you saw right through.

I was, of course, venting at the fact that I had no expendable income to make "frivolous" purchases like a video game. The subtext, however, was that I wanted Troll Chick to notice that I was pining over the game Dragon's Dogma specifically, and that I was slowly building a case to buy it.

The struggle of Cloaker's Dogma

I've always been about video games, since I was a young boy. Always have, and probably always will. A new terror threatens to change my way of life, however.

Thy name is "budget".

Don't know him? Know Your Meme.